home for the summer

This summer im going to be living with my mom. When i first walked in the door, Justin came up and gave me the biggest hug in the world. All week he had been telling everyone that his big sister was coming home. I feel like its the right thing to do for him to come back. I miss him more and more and ever day got harder and harder to hear about all the complications and not being there to at least try and help. Every morning when i walk into the living room, Justin is always there and as soon as he see me a smile come upon his face erasing the frown that once controlled his morning. Sorry that i haven't posted in a while! I promise ill post more regularly. Any questions you have I'd love to answer (:   

Father's Day Picnic

Sunday was Father's Day. Every year we always have a picnic at my uncle's house and at his house thee is a 4' deep pool. Now, as you can imagine having my brother and sister in a pool together isn't the best idea,but they seemed to be fine so i went over and hung out with my daddy. About thirty minutes into the picnic my little cousin came over to play catch with my brother and my older cousin and as soon as he came over he started calling my brother stupid and mean and a monster. Justin understands that he is different and like any other person gets his feelings hurt when people call him names, so to try and calm him down i suggested that he goes back into the pool. Around the time when that happened my dad came over and told me that he had to go drop off my aunt at her house and would only be a few minutes. Expecting that what he said was true i told him okay and went over to talk to my grandfather. Not even 10 minutes after my dad was gone did i hear a scream coming  from the pool. i scurried over there to see what was the matter and i see my brother trying to push my sister under the water. I started yelling, "Justin stop!" and he looked at me and stopped. He started grunting and huffing. I knew at that point it wouldn't be safe for Justin to be in the pool by himself. I swiftly changed out of my clothes, into my bathing suit and was walking to the pool to try and calm down my brother. As   i was walking i over heard my little cousin saying to my aunt "i would go in the pool, but Justin is in there, he ruins everything." I wanted to turn around so badly and just hit him. I could feel the rage and hate build up inside of me and all i wanted to do at that point was scream in his face. But knowing that my brother needed me, i swallowed my pride and walked to the pool. When i got up on the deck i turned around and saw my little cousin was behind me. I ignored him and jumped into the bitterly cold water, swimming to Justin. When Justin's eyes met my cousin's i could tell something was about to happen. Justin pushed me out of the way and dashed to my cousin. i quickly caught up with him, grabbed him, and pulled him to the side of the pool. I started screaming Justin whats wrong! And all he said was "I have to kill him." By the time this all happened my dad had been gone 15 minutes so i was left all alone to deal with the situation. i tried to distract him by throwing him in the air or showing him the pool toys, but nothing would get his mind off of hurting the little 6 year old boy. I asked Justin why he wanted to hurt him so badly and he said that my cousin had called him stupid and an idiot. I tried to explain to him that hitting is not okay but no matter how hard i tried he kept getting away from me, rushing over to my cousin and i had to chase after him. I felt hopeless. Nothing i did was working. He spent almost 20  minutes screaming and chasing this little boy and all i could do was run after him. no adult dared to come help, i dont know why just no one came and tried. I kept begging him to try and calm sown but he didnt listen! i did everything in my power to try and make him stop growling and hitting me and running after this little boy but nothing was working. When my dad finally got back i screamed for him and he came running to the pool edge. As soon as he got to the side, i burst into tears. Not because my brother had hit me or anything, but because i could see nothing but pure hate in  Justin's eyes. The pale crystal blue eyes that were once filled with joy, love, and happy memories were now nothing but rage, violence, and hate. I couldn't help myself. All i knew what to do was cry. I felt like i had failed as a sister. No matter what i did i couldn't get the thought of hurting my cousin out of his mind and no one came over to help. i locked myself in the bathroom until it was time to go. The hole car ride home i didnt look at my brother once. I felt like it was my fault he couldn't calm down. I had failed him. I was on my own and all i did was make everything worse.  if you have any questions or comments please feel free to saw something :)

Is It My Fault?

About six months ago i moved in with my dad. My brother and i have always been very close and leaving him was one of that hardest things i had to do. Change had never been one of my brothers strong points so i was a little nervous on leaving. Ever since i had left Justin's behavior had changed for the worse. He started getting more and more aggressive, his attitude had become more negative, and his focus had disappeared. I feel as if this is my fault. All growing up i was kinnda like his security blanket. i always had to be there when he went to bed, always was one of the first people he wanted when he was sick, and had been there with him his hole life. About a week after i was gone was when he started changing. A few times a week my mom would get a call from the school saying that Justin had been sent to the principals office for hitting or refusing to do his work, and this had happened in the past but never as frequently. Also, his behavior at home had spiraled out of control. I remember getting phone calls from my mother having her tell me how he had hit the dog, or tackled her and started hitting her with a toy sword. The phone calls also consisted of how he would come home and destroy the house. Screaming that he was going to burn down the house which he obviously wont but hearing that from a 10 year old child is upsetting. She comes to me telling me how he hits the teachers at school. And the thing is, none of this was ever as bad as it is now when i was with him on a regular basis. He never thought of hitting my mother when i was home or he never once screamed that he was going to cut his hands off. A part of me if filled with guilt from seeing what a struggle Justin has become. Most days i wonder, if i did go and move back in with my mother, would anything change? Am i being selfish for leaving him to make my situation better? I understand that i am not the parent but seeing my baby brother living his life in anger and sorrow day by day is a heart breaking experience. i leave myself wondering, does anyone else feel the same? Can anyone help me out of this hole of emotion i have dug myself into? If so, im reaching out to you with open arms and an open heart. I would love to answer any questions that you have. (:       

My First Blog

hello there, my name is Katie. im from central New York. Almost 10 years ago my brother was born. At first, we never noticed any problems or signs that he might be, well, different. when Justin was about three years old we took him to a specilist and they told us he had all the signs of autism. that was the worst news a family could receve. many people dont know, but 98% of autism cases occur in boys and 2% in girls. one of my daily struggles is having to deal with the constant worry, intimidation, fear, and thoughts about my brother. because he has autism not many people understand why he makes the strange noises or why he talks to himself under his breath. it bothers me how people think that just because i'm "normal" i dont have problems with the situation as well, but in my opinion, it sucks just as much. the main point of this blog is for support. one of my teachers and i have been working very hard to find a group that helps support teen's with siblings with autism. well the search isnt going so well so if no one else will help i will just help myself. feel free to ask any questions and i will do the same. (: